Sunday, October 09, 2005

My Journal

Three months ago we moved from Franklin, TN to Naples, FL. During the move, I kept a journal. Here are some of the entries during that time of transition.

Journal #1
Well today it was made official that we are indeed moving. The packers managed to take what once looked and felt like a home and turn it into a factory of storage boxes and packing tape. Its a tough thing to walk in the door and look around at our first place reduced to a shadow of what it has always been for us: a refuge, our common ground, the first steps we took as a couple and as parents. Memories flood our hearts. It was on this foundation that Nathan surprised me with a wedding proposal. Through these doors have flooded many strangers that became friends and family. On this bathroom floor is where I collapsed when I found out I was pregnant with our first child and in that room we prayed, decorated and both lovingly and fearfully created Jaxon's nursery. The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. Questions float in and out of our thoughts. Feelings of fear and hope, a sense of adventure then back to fear again. Why this path? Are we ready for this? What things are waiting around the corner? What the crack was GOD thinking? And then some…We have had to switch our feelings on and off for fear of feeling the gravity/weight and hurt of friendships left behind and moments never to be recaptured. Nathan and I keep saying that it hasn’t hit us yet but the truth is, we haven’t let it. Probably because we both know that when it does, we may collapse again...just on a different bathroom floor and far away from here.

Journal #2
Well today the Peoples Church in Franklin, TN became MY church. Sure it’s where we’ve attended for a little over 2 years now but today it became the church that all other churches will be compared to from now on. Isn’t it funny how we do that? When I moved from Denver at the age of 19, I swore that no church could match the coolness of Denver First Church of the Nazarene. I was wrong. I may be wrong again this time, but I doubt it. This place has truly lived out its name. It is a church full of people- broken, beautiful people. Some are so much like me and some couldn’t have been more different. That is what made it so charming. It was here where I learned how to commune and share life with people from all walks of life. I love these people. The shocking part about all of it was that they loved me too. They saw past the cynical, sarcastic and seemingly untouchable parts of me and looked at my heart. They taught me that I was loveable. Isn’t that what fellowship is all about? They also taught me how to serve beyond our means and abilities and how to bless others through the simple act of making dinner or bringing over a box of used baby toys or maternity clothes. Here is where I learned what “sacrificial giving” was all about. But much like the disciples were left with the lessons taught by Jesus himself, so am I left with the knowledge of how to pour out and bless others with reckless abandonment. May I be a reflection of the kindness I was shown in this place. Maybe then MY church will be wherever I go because it lives on in me and through me.

Journal #3
Well on Tuesday they packed the truck with all of our belongings. It’s amazing how fortunate we are to have everything we have and yet when it’s all packed up and taken away you feel like you don’t have very much simply b/c it is removable. It’s a true test of character and belief in the whole “store up your treasures in Heaven and not on Earth” thing. You can feel so lonely and empty without your stuff. As if they had a comforting quality or something. Well I guess they do make life more comfortable but they aren’t like a relationship with arms and a warm, loving heart. So focus on people, not stuff…I’ve got it! Therefore our last moments in the house were heartfelt and teary but it was no longer our home. Home now rests tenderly in the hearts of each other and that can never be moved or removed.

Journal #4
Wednesday is here and off to the airport I go. Nathan is on the road somewhere in Florida, it’s a long state you know!? As I say my final goodbyes, first to the neighborhood, then to my friend who drove me to the airport, and finally to the ground, I am emptied of the sorrow of leaving my home for the past 7.5 years. I’ve never been known to stay in one place very long so that is a BIG TIME record for me. While in the air I focus on Jaxon, the center of my universe these days. What a beautiful, wonderful, and joyful center he is too. His smiles light my heart and his laughter brings reminders of the memories that are yet to be made in our new place. As soon as we arrive we are greeted by Nathan. Instantly we are home again b/c each of us is here together. Our new place is just as beautiful as our old home and just a little bigger. But it’s not the building that causes my excitement at the possibilities ahead but the potential I feel as I embark on this new adventure with 2 of my favorite people. We concluded the day by going to the beach and watching the sunset. It was an incredible reminder that even endings can be beautiful.


Nathan G. said...

Wow...I haven't read these. I am crying my eyes out because I am flooded with memories that not 3 months ago were rushing through my heart. And now they are suddenly surfacing again...and that isn't a bad thing at all...just caught me off guard a little. :-)
I love you so much, baby. You are my universe and Jaxon is our world.

MOM said...

now I'm crying MY eyes out because my prayer was for you to be loved and treasured and there are his words saying just that to you........ WOW !! What I want for you in this life is to be loved and be the center of someone's universe because you can weather anything if that's your base. Nathan, you are all right!

John G. said...

I just want everyone to know that my wife is my universe and that our GALAXY is our boys!
And my mother-in-law is proud of me too.

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