Friday, August 11, 2006

Time to be

The other night I was attempting to write some songs. I have several unfinished ones from my college days but little has been done to complete any of them. So in a spurt of motivation I grabbed my old college song writing notebook with all its tattered and ripped out pages, picked up my GIG MAKER (yes that is the name of my guitar) and sat down on the bed and waited. I waited.....and waited... nothing. So I started probing Nathan to help me out. I pushed and pushed him until finally he asked what my motivation was.

Truth be told I was trying to write songs b/c I really want to be showcased at the coffee shop thing we have at our church. It was a selfish reason, I admit, but an honest one. Anyway, after I confessed my deep dark secret, Nathan gracefully explained to me that none of my songs will ever feel complete if Im writing them for someone else. He told me to shake the dream of performing my songs so that I could write just to write. He used my blog and personal writing as an example. He said that my best writing comes when I just try to express something b/c I need/want to express it. The same goes for songwriting apparently. A song finds easy completion when its flowing from an inward source for no one's benefit but it's own. So I started to think... how do I get there? I havent been able to even blog about anything original lately, let alone try to write a song about anything real/personal. How do I get to that place where creativity is allowed to flow for no purpose other than to just be for awhile?

Once, a friend asked Emily Dickinson if she had been writing much poetry, and Emily said she hadn't because "lately existence has over-whelmed being." I think I know what she means. Writing that is worth reading requires moments of "being." That is, time when a writer can think on experience. It's two different moments "experience" and "reflecting on experience".

So I believe it comes down to this... I havent had that time of "being." Ironically to reflect on experience takes a lot of time and energy. Its no lazy, half hearted task. It requires much from the source. It requires more than I have the ability to give right now.

So maybe the song writing will have to wait. Maybe all the writing will have to wait. Until I can devote the time and attention it deserves to feel fully experienced. I will have to wait for that time to just be.

1 comment:

Iz said...

The question is, once in that place of being, will I be bored? When life slows down enough to just be, will my mind wander and look for something else to keep busy with? Just an added aspect of the difficulty of being... And the fight to get there means it's worth the battle. The enemy wouldn't be so preoccupied with keeping us preoccupied if it wasn't a big deal to get to that place of being.

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