Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Going back to Cali

Every year my mom's side of the family get together for my grandpa's memorial 5k race in Oakdale, CA. This year I am going too. Instead of making just a weekend trip I am staying for 5 days. I was so excited to go this year and then the reality set in. While CA is where I spent the first 13 years of my life, it doesn't feel like home. Honestly more sad and tragic things happened to me while I was there and it always left a bad taste in my mouth. Don't get me wrong, I love being a west coast girl and growing up in the culture of such a melting pot state. I have great memories like going to the Boardwalk and Monterrey Bay Aquarium but something about going back there always makes me uncomfortable. Its almost like I revert back to the little girl I was when I lived there- sad, hurting, not sure of who I was or where I fit, trying to please everyone and never saying what I thought or felt. I think its hard for my family to let me be a grown up while I'm there too. I didn't drive when I lived there so I don't know where anything is or how to get there-so I am transportation dependent. The childhood rooms I had don't exist anymore and they have been minimized to a couple of boxes I now keep in storage. My dad and sister still live there but they have their own families now. When I stay with them its more like visiting a friend or staying in a hotel rather than being home again. So going back there is going to be both wonderful and difficult for me at the same time. Especially b/c I can't distract myself with the kids or Nathan since they aren't going with me. I will be there alone, facing some giants of my past, attempting to be the woman I am now comforting the little girl I use to be instead of going backwards.

So along those lines, here are some things I want to do while Im there (hopefully someone can lend me their car and some mapquest directions or take me):

Run my grandpa's race- honor his memory with my health and attendence. Maybe get a medal.
Celebrate my sister's 40th birthday. I can't believe she is that old!? Man I love her.
Spend quality time with my dad- talking, walking, laughing whatever we feel like doing. No TV.
Go to Monterrey Bay Aquarium and the Boardwalk- take pictures and keep a photo journal.
See my sister Tiffany's marker at the mosoleum- I miss her still.
Hit an In & Out Burger joint- I don't even eat meat and I love this place.
Make new memories that I will look back on with warmth and laughter.

2 comments:

whittakerwoman said...

Want to take someone? :) H

bonnie said...

You will have a great time! Love your plans!

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