Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Im in that place (again)

Im in that place where being a mom just isn't going well. I feel invisible, unappreciated, used, and valued as less than any other mammal on the planet. Worst part of it all is that I am expected to feel this way and maintain my smile. Not happening. The other day I found myself trying to describe it to my mom like this...

"You know everyone talks about being a mom like its just being self sacrificial. But its worse than that. Self sacrificing I can do. Its not like being on a bus and giving up your seat for someone else and then when another person gets on you give up your seat again to move to the back where you have to stand uncomfortably the entire trip. That I don't mind doing. But right now I feel like I've been told that I need to get out, go around the back and push the bus around town. The exhaust blowing in my face, the mud splattering my clothes from every rotation and every passenger yelling at me b/c I am pushing it too slow and now its my fault they are late. Being a mom is more like that."

Now don't get all super-spiritual on me and start saying things like 'this is what Jesus did when the crowds mistreated him.' I know all that. Im just trying to put words to my experiences. AND sure this is part of what being a mother is all about but I don't think its what being a mother is all about. That is where my tension lies. I love my family, I love my kids. In fact I want more kids! I love being a mom- its the other junk that gets in the way of what is good about being one.

So for now I am going to try and simplify as much as possible in this $ and time crunched society. Maybe then I can sit back and enjoy the life of a mom a little more.

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